Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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