was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
