Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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