I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
