I think my vagina is haunted
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize