You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
