Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
