What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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