FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
