FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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