i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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