Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
