I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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