Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
