i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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