why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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