i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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