Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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