I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
