dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
