On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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