2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
