dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
