I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize