after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
