there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
