my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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