you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
