i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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