I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
