yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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