i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
