i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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