lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
