I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
