I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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