This is not my ceiling
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize