this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
