Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
