Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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