Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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