I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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