No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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