my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
