Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
