dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
