Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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