i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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