When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
