She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
