Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
