Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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