I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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