your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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