hell yes lets make some ravioli
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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