My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
