Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
