Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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