I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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