I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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