So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
