If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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