I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
