just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
