if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
