remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
