I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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