U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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