He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
