im about as happy as oj after his trial
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
