How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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