I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
